Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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