he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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