proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I checked into jail on foursquare
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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