just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
