3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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