So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
