I wish my penis had an off switch
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
