That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
