no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
