Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
