Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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