I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize