sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
