The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
