So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
