She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
