haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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