Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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