Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
