this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize