There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
