Don't make out with my wife yet
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize