My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
