thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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