Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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