my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
