You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
