I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
