Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
