you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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