So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
