I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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