I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
