i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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