Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
