i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
