He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize