$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
