I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
