Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
