Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
