i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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