My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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