What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
