she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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