I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
