My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
