nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
