I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You ruined the universe
Randomize