So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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