i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
