You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
