your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
