I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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