you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
