I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
