how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
