While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
