i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
