she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I did not marry a roomba.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize